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(The angels, plus Kaindell, Zallery, Evan, and Satan, are sitting around thinking.)
Decree: So the problem
is, we need a lot of money so we can bribe Shell to tell us what those
words are.
Satan: *trying to
get Lark off his arm* I'm sorry, girls, I wish I could help, but unfortunately
I have nothing to give you. I've little in the account, let alone something
to pay Shell with.
Tierra: Your Highness,
I don't think you realize how truly important this is to the future of
Hell.
Satan: No, I understand
perfectly well. But I'm sure that there are other ways to obtain that information
as well.
Lark: So we either
research our asses off, or we find a way to raise the money ourselves.
Satan: Exactly.
You better start brainstorming now.
Evan: How about
a lemonade stand?
Decree: No one asked
you, mortal
Tierra: I think
he's on something.
Decree: How are
sweet & sour refreshments going to make us enough money to bribe Queen
Limbo? I doubt lemonade equals holy chanting summon.
Tierra: You're overlooking
the general simplicity. We need something really attractive that won't
cost too much.
Lark: Something
we make?
Tierra: yeah, only
on a larger scale.
Lark: Well what
could possibly appeal to the people in Hell? A three-ring circus?
Mandy: Hee hee ^_^
Um, what about a Broadway show?
Tierra: Yeah right...
But which one could we possibly do? We don't have the equipment or anything,
and that's expensive in itself anyway.
Decree: Take one
step backwards. What show would possibly appeal to sex-happy child-molesting
three-toed freaks?
Mandy: "The King
and I"!
Decree: No! "The
Rocky Horror Picture Show"!
Tierra: That's the
next best thing I guess...but still, what about the sound and lighting?
Lark: We can get
it from Tony! He'll hook us up with some rockin' good deals, yo!
Decree: *is frightened
by Lark* You're overlooking something else. What about the cast? There's
like ten million characters and only nine of us at most. And we need a
sound crew, stage crew, lighting crew, a director, and so on.
Tierra: Well I can
direct.
Lark: Then we're
down to eight.
Decree: Hold it,
why do you get to be director?!
Tierra: Because
I know what I'm doing.
Decree: Well so
do I!
Tierra: *rolls eyes*
Whatever, we'll need you in the cast anyway.
Decree: *gets stars
in her eyes* Me? On stage? Ooooh, I like it!
Tierra: We'll still
need more cast and crew members.
Kaindell: Well what
about those sweeties up in Heaven?
Zallery: Oh yeah,
they're such nice girls. And that Eve, she's a great actress.
Decree: I would
rather choke on my own eyeballs than ask those stupid prisses for help.
Tierra: I don't
think you have much of a choice. So why don't you take Kain and Zal and
Mandy up to Heaven and bring the angels back down, and me, Evan, Reia,
and Lark will go over to Tony's and bring back the equipment.
Decree: Why are
you bossing me around?
Tierra: Trust me,
just go. After all, I *am* the director.
Decree: URGH! *but
nevertheless, she takes her group and they make their way up to Heaven*
Tierra: That takes
care of her. We're off. Oh, before I forget, Satan, would you mind drawing
up a cast list? Don't forget to put some of Heaven's angels on it.
Satan: No problem...
*heh heh* *pulls out a piece of paper and gets to it*
Tierra: Great. *gathers
her group and they head out*
A BIT LATER, AT TONY'S...
(Lark is chatting
with Tony at the entrance to the Slam Dance Hut)
Lark: Heya, Tony!
Tony: Hey hey! What
can I do for ya, girl?
Lark: We need you
to hook us up with sound and lighting equipment for our show.
Tony: Hey, no problem!
Hookin' people up is my specialty! And just cuz you sent me a new member
for my Hut, I'll give it to you no charge!
Lark: Hey, thanks!!
Tony: No, thank
you. That guy can really dance!
Evan: *mumbles*
I bet he picked up a move or two from the strippers...
(So they get their
equipment and start to head out)
Tony: Hey, you sure
you don't wanna stay for the dance marathon at the Slam Dance Hut? The
price of admission is only a tube top!
Lark: Nah, that's
okay. See ya later!
(They return home)
MEANWHILE, UP IN
HEAVEN...
(Decree and company
are sitting around with Heaven's Angels)
Eve: Kain! Zal! So
good to see you again!
Kaindell: Oh yeah,
it's been way too long!
Zallery: Hey, let's
not wait til the next candle party to get together, eh?
Decree: Do ya mind?
That's not what we're here for. You can coffee klotch later.
Eternity: Then what
*are* you here for? In need of help?
Decree: Ech, don't
flatter yourself. We're up here for a very different reason. We wanted
to know if you angels would be interested in being part of our production
of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".
Cherry: Ooh, fun.
^_^
Decree: No five-year-olds
allowed, blueberry.
Cherry: It's Cherry!
XP
Eternity: Well if
you insult my angels and expect our cooperation, you got another thing
coming.
Decree: Hey, either
ya help or ya don't.
Kaindell: D, don't
be so mean! This is supposed to be fun remember.
Eternity: Thank
you, Kaindell.
Lindsay: What is
this for, anyway?
Reia: It's just
part of our plan to take over the world.
Decree: *goes to
scold her but realizes that, inadvertently, she's right* We're raising
money.
Lindsay: What for?
Mandy: We're partaking
in the Adopt-A-Puppy program ^_^
Lindsay: That's
what you said last time...but coming from her I'll believe it.
Decree: So you in
or you out?
Eternity: I guess
we're in. But, er, watch it.
Decree: Whatever.
(So they return
to Hell)
BACK IN HELL...
(Tierra and co.
have constructed a stage outside the lair and set up all of the equipment,
putting their blood, sweat, and tears into it...
Okay, truth, she
snapped her fingers and it set itself up. But in any case, it's ready by
the time Decree and everyone else get back. Also, Satan has finished his
cast list.)
Decree: Ah, good
to see everything in order. Good work.
Tierra: *mock surprise*
Decree, did you just compliment me??
Decree: Don't read
too much into it.
Satan: Look! Look
at my cast list! *all happy-like*
(It looks something
like this:
Janet.......................................Cherry
Brad........................................Satan
(that's me!)
Dr. Frank N Furter................Kaindell
Rocky.......................................Evan
Riff Raff....................................Decree
Magenta.................................Lark
Colombia.................................Eve
Eddie.......................................Zallery
Dr. Scott..................................Eternity
Er...)
Decree: What were
you on when you wrote this? I'm a man!
Eternity: Well so
am I.
Decree: You're Dr.
Scott, that's cuz you're boring!
Cherry: Er, why
am I playing opposite Satan? *forlorn sweatdrops*
Satan: Heh heh heh...
Decree: *mutters
to Satan* You know Janet and Brad don't get nearly as much sexual interaction,
right?
Satan: Dammit!
Kaindell: Well I
have a complaint. I don't think Zal is man enough to play Eddie.
Zallery: *half-offended*
Hey!
Kaindell: Oh come
on, we all know that I'm the dominant one in this relationship.
Everyone: Er............
*major sweatdrops*
Kaindell: And why
don't Franknfurter and Eddie get a make out scene??
Tierra: Oh get over
it.
Decree: *grabs the
list of numbers and looks it over, growing more and more utterly horrified
by the second* What the @#$% is with the song titles?! "Loveable Crossdresser"?
"I Can Make You a Male"? "Hot Potato"? What happened to the Time
Warp?
Satan: Oh we had
to change it. Instead of the Time Warp, we'll have to do the Hour-Space
Continuum Dimension Dance.
Decree: WTF? Why?!
Tierra: Well, cuz
we couldn't exactly get the rights to the show, so we had to change some
of the stuff.
Kaindell: Well if
you could change stuff, you should write in a make-out scene between Eddie
and Franknfurter!
Eve: Frank kills
Eddie.
Kain and Zal: ...crap.
Decree: *thonk*
God help us all... er, I didn't mean that.
Tierra: Well we
better start rehearsal! First scene is the "I Can Make You a Male" reprise.
Rocky and Franknfurter are supposed to be feeling each other up... Go ahead.
Kaindell: *grabs
Evan's ass*
Evan: *sweatdrop*
Don't touch me...
Kaindell: *devillish
smile* But I have to...
(The next scene they
practice is the one where Franknfurter is in disguise seducing Brad.)
Kaindell: *straddling
Satan* I hope this provocative situation doesn't cause you to think less
of me, your Highness.
Satan: Of course
not...but just, er, move your hand...
(They go on to practice
the end scenes, and when they get to the very end...)
Lindsay: *set-designer
and head of stage crew* We have a problem, Tierra.
Tierra: What?
Lindsay: How are
we gonna get the castle to fly in the end?
Decree: *scoff*
You forgot to mention "simple" in your damn lemonade analogy.
Tierra: Don't worry
about it. We'll think of something. *into her bullhorn, which is conveniently
right next to Decree's ear* ALRIGHT EVERYBODY, BACK ON STAGE! WE'RE PRACTICING
THE BIG NUMBER!
Decree: ...ow...
@_@
Everyone: *drags
themselves on stage moaning and groaning*
Tierra: Quit your
bitching. What is it now??
Mandy: not only
do every muscle in our bodies hurt, but these costumes are icky.
Eve: They're hideous.
Just plain hideous. Like, beyond freakishly hideous to just all-out hideous.
Lark: But Tony hooked
me up!
Tierra: I don't
wanna hear anymore complaining! Time is money, now PLACES!
Decree: *decides
it's time to back away from the bullhorn and the raging bitch that's holding
it, and gets up on stage*
*The music starts*
Everyone: *carrying
out some very odd choreography*
Move your body clockwise
And then movie it
in the opposite direction
Put your hands somewhere
on your waist
And crouch inward
like this
Stand still singing
for a second
And then wiggle
your butt around awkwardly
Let's do the hour-space
continuum dimension dance again!
Let's do the hour-space
continuum dimension dance again!
Tierra: Cut! Wonderful!
Inspirational!
Company: It sucked.
-_-
Tierra: Well, yeah,
but we have a few days before show. Okay, take five, and then we'll do
the number where Rocky feels Janet up... we haven't renamed that one yet...
Satan: Woah, Rocky
gets some action?
Tierra: Yeah, they're
practically bangin each other on stage.
Satan: *eyes light
up like a kid in a candy shop* *goes over to Evan* Hey pal. Let's say you
and I switch parts for the next scene, eh?
Evan: No way! This
is the first piece of action I've gotten since I've been down here!
Satan: How bout
for 20 bucks?
Evan: ...okay.
(So they set up
for the next scene. Satan is disguised - as best as you can hide yourself
in a gold speedo - as Rocky, and laying down with Cherry in the tank for
he scene)
Satan: *feeling
her up like there's no tomorrow* Heh heh heh...
Cherry: Ow, don't
be so rough...
Satan: *can't contain
himself*
Cherry: Hey! *slaps
him* Ooh, sorry Evan! *looks down to see if she left a mark, but all she
sees is Satan grinning up at her* Eeeeeeek! You're not Evan!
Tierra: Eh?...Satan,
get outta there! You screwed up the scene!
Satan: *garden snap*
heh heh heh...
Cherry: Perv...
Evan: Yeah, what
a jerk... *starts doing the same thing*
Cherry: Ugh...why
me...
(So they do the
number and the dialogue continues on as usual)
Eternity: Janet!
Cherry: *gasp* Dr.
Scott!
Satan: Janet!
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: Rocky!
Evan: *blink blink*
*pause*
Eternity: Janet!
Cherry: *gasp* Dr.
Scott!
Satan: Janet!
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: Rocky!
Evan: *blink blink*
*pause*
Eternity: Janet!
Tierra: *studying
the script* Hm...it says here that they stop the repitition at my leisure...
eh, give 'em a few more rounds.
Lindsay: *running
over* Tierra, there's something here that needs your immediate attention.
Tierra: Oh! *stops
paying attention to the actors*
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: Rocky!
Evan: *blink blink*
*pause*
Eternity: Janet!
Cherry: *gasp* Dr.
Scott!
Satan: Janet!
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: Rocky!
Evan: *blink blink*
*pause*
Eternity: Janet!
Cherry: *gasp* Dr.
Scott!
Satan: Janet!
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: Rocky!
Evan: *blink blink*
*pause*
Eternity: Janet!
Cherry: *gasp* Dr.
Scott!
Satan: Janet!
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: Rocky!
Evan: *blink blink*
*pause*
Eternity: Janet!
Cherry: *gasp* Dr.
Scott!
Satan: Janet!
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: Rocky!
Evan: *blink blink*
*pause*
Eternity: Janet!
Cherry: *gasp* Dr.
Scott!
Satan: Janet!
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: Rocky!
Evan: *blink blink*
*pause*
Eternity: Janet!
Cherry: *gasp* Dr.
Scott!
Satan: Janet!
Cherry: Brad!
Kaindell: TIERRA!
Tierra: Eh?
Kaindell: We've
said this like ten million times! Can we stop now?
Tierra: Oh, eh,
guess so. NEXT SCENE!
(And so it goes
this way for another two days straight of rehearsal)
OPENING NIGHT...
(okay, as unrealistic
as this is, they manage to pull their bootleg show together. The house
is packed, and Reia is selling tickets at the door)
Woman: How much for
a ticket?
Reia: Then thousand
ducats.
Mandy: That's not
how much...
Reia: Yeah, but
they don't know that...
Mandy: Oooooooooh...
(And soon the show
starts and continues on. Everything was going smoothly...until...)
Kaindell: *right
in the middle of singing "Lovable Cross dresser" when suddenly the lights
go out*
Tierra: Not good...
Lark: er, I guess
that's what you get when Tony hooks you up...
Tierra: *into the
clearcom system* Dream, get this back on line please.
Dream: 10-4.
(The lights come
back on and the show continues)
(A bit later, the
sound system becomes fuzzy and crackly)
Tierra: What now?
Dream: Sorry, I
spilled my soda on the board...
Tierra: *thonk*
(The problem eventually
clears up)
(And now we come to the end, the resolution where the castle flies off into outer-space. But, er, all we see is a small foam cylinder that's supposed to be the castle with red and orange construction paper sloppily glued to the bottom that's supposed to be the fire from the thrusters. Lindsay is holding it in one hand and a microphone in the other, trying her best to hide behind the curtain while she makes spitting noises for blastoff and slowly lifts the foam cut-out up before she gives up and just throws it offstage. Ta-da. They take their bows and the curtain closes. No applause.)
BACKSTAGE...
Tierra: Hooray!
Congratulations, everyone! That was great!
Eve: We have to
have a cast party now!
Satan: *to Cherry*
We can have our own party back at my place. *wink*
Cherry: Ugh... *walks
away*
(So the rest of
them party up all night. Even Shell has seen the show, Tony too, and both
join in the festivities)
THE NEXT MORNING...
(Heaven's Angels
have all gone home, but the other nine are still lounging around, exhausted,
and still haven't gone to sleep.)
Tierra: *coming in
all cheery* Hey guys! *tosses down a huge stack of newspapers*
Satan: *pushing
a half-sleeping Lark off his shoulder* What's that?
Tierra: All of our
reviews that we got for last night!
Decree: Oh this
I gotta hear...
Mandy: So c'mon,
what does it say?
Tierra: *ahem* "Hell's
Angels' production of 'The Rocky Horror Show' was, in a word, hideous-"
Mandy: Gee, Eve
was right...
Tierra:
"-Most numbers
were changed, but not necessarily improved - an understatement. Rating:
zero stars." Hmph...
Lark: Which paper
was that?
Tierra: The Cauldron
Post. This one is Hell Weekly: "Last
night's production, care of Hell's Angels, could've been better. Kaindell's
portrayal of Doctor Franknfurter was inspiring. Unfortunately, you could
not see nor hear parts of the production due to hazardously faulty sound
and lighting equipment. Rating: one star."
Satan: Hey, that's
better than last time!
Tierra: Here's another
one, The Morning Fire: "Anybody
who saw the production of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' would still agree
with the boycott on applause. The effort was there, but because much of
the material was changed due to copyright laws, and the actors sucked anyway,
the show was the epitome of a flop. It wasn't even politically correct,
what with transvestites or hermaphrodites or whatnot. Rating: half a star."
Satan: Aren't there
any good reviews??
Tierra: Oh, here's
one: "Tierra's production
of 'The Rocky Scary Whatever Show' was freakin' awesome, yo! That chick
rox! Kiandell rox too. He's da man. Transvestites r kool. This has got
2 B the best show I've ever seen. Orgies for all. Lindsay, your rocket
ruled, babe. Peace out, yo. Rocky 4 eva!"
I guess they thought it was good...
Decree: If it had
been grammatically correct.
Lark: What paper
was that from?
Tierra: *frowns*
Exhibitionists Weekly/Exestentialists United.
Angels: *cringe*
Zallery: Well the
important thing is that we had fun.
Evan: Not me. I
had to wear nothing but a skimpy gold speedo the whole time. It was cold.
Satan: I filled
that out better.
Lark, Kaindell,
& Zallery: *drool*
Tierra: *counting
out the money in the cash box* Hey, more good news! We made tons of money!
We have plenty to pay off Shell.
Satan: *grabs the
rest* And I'll just take this for my accounts.
Tierra: *is not
too happy with that*
Decree: Well now
that this crap is over, I can resume my job bossing people around! Now
c'mon, off the Queen Shell!
AT SHELL'S...
Shell: So I guess
you have the payment now. By the way, that was a rockin' good show last
night, yo!
Lark: Slammin',
yo!
Decree: Er, yes,
and um, thanks.
Shell: *grabs the
cash* Not precious gems and metals, but I can make myself a neat mini-skirt
out of it.
Decree: So c'mon,
a deal's a deal. Gimmie the words.
Shell: Okay. *writes
it down on a piece of paper* Have him stand on your holy ground and recite
that with your angels making a ring around him. But be very careful.
Decree: No problem.
*grabs the paper* Come, angels, there's no time to waste!
(They head back
to Hell)
THAT NIGHT...
(The angels, Evan,
and Satan are standing in his throne room. The angels have encircled Evan,
and he's standing there with the slip of paper looking like he's in front
of the firing squad)
Evan: *takes a deep breath and chants* "By earth, waster, fire, wind, I hereby commit my unholy sins. Harness my power by the deal, commend my soul under evil's seal."
(With an intense flash of white light, the Angels land, in their circle, in the city park.)
Mandy: What happened?
Decree: *eyes grow
wide* This must be the first Earth battle; Shell had said to be careful...
Tierra: Meaning?
Decree: We're going
to have to fight Heaven's Angels to earn control of this game board...