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Man: This is the best time I've ever had in my entire life!
(The dancers continue on, spinning and twirling and whatever else it is they do. Unfortunately (the make a short story even shorter) the man gets kicked in the side of the head, falls into a coma, and dies... *shrug* I'm just the narrator. But anyway, as you can guess, since he was such a smutty person, his departure is via a one-way ticket to Hell.)
DOWN THERE, A BIT
BEFOREHAND...
(Reia is sitting
on the couch by herself, making a list of excuses to give to Decree when
she finds out her Master Book has been sold for a sack of "magic beans".
Um...anyway...she suddenly hears a thud outside, and decides to go check
it out.)
Reia: *walks outside
and sees the man lying on his back*
Man: *eyes come
into focus* Eh...wha...
Reia: My Lord you're
hot.
Man: Eh? Oh, hey
thanks babe!
Reia: Yes, I've
seen no finer a man since my late husband Harold.
Man: Oh, sorry to
hear that, what happened to him?
Reia: Mauled by
a bulldog.
Man: >.<
Reia: *starts walking
back inside*
Man: *tripping after
her* Hey, wait! Where am I?
Reia: You're in
Hell.
Man: *weak half-laughter*
No really, where?
Reia: *turns to
him* No, really, you're in Hell.
Man: How can that
be?
Reia: *rolls eyes*
Obviously you died.
Man: Died? Oh crap!
Reia: Yeah, sucks
don't it.
Man: *not paying
attention to her* Now what am I gonna do on my Tuesday nights?
Mandy: *bouncing
past them* Well, Satan throws great luaus!
Man: *drool* Sexy...
Mandy: *pout* Skeeve.
(By now they're
back inside, and at the same moment, Lark, Ang, Decree, and Tierra come
in dragging Evan behind them.)
Decree: *stops for
a moment* Reia, who's that?
Reia: His name is
Garth. He's my roadie.
Decree: Oh, okay
then.
Evan: Hey, wait
a minute...
Decree: Hush, mortal.
Evan: Wait, that's
my brother!
Ang: Ooooh, twins...
>censored thoughts<
Tierra: Your brother?
Evan: Yeah! Devon!
Devon: Uh... *sweatdrop*
Lark: Evan and Devon...
*lightly chuckles*
Girls: *give her
strange looks*
Lark: *cough*
Evan: Well what
are you doing down here?
Decree: Why do they
always ask that?
Devon: Well apparently
I...uh...died...
Decree: My IQ just
went down 3 points...
Evan: When? Where?
How?
Devon: Uh, I'm not
quite sure... can anybody explain this to me?
Decree: I suppose.
Ang, hit the lights.
Ang: *hits the switch
and pulls out a projector*
Mandy: Slide show!
^_^
Decree: Now then,
let's begin. This first slide depicts you at a strip club up on Earth.
Does this seem familiar?
Devon: ...yes.
Decree: *clicks
to the next slide* Now this shows you getting kicked in the head. The spiked
heel caused a fair amount of brain damage, hence the cause of death.
Devon: *sick smile*
What a way to go.
Decree: *rolls eyes*
Mortals... *clicks to the next slide - it's Devon on a stretcher surrounded
by policemen and strippers*
Devon: *flinches*
That's never a good combination.
Decree: The police
arrested the stripper, but she got out of it, using her "powers of persuasion".
You were carried off to the hospital- *gets to the next slide showing Devon
in a hospital bed, surrounded by doctors staring at the flat line on the
monitor* -where you were soon pronounced dead. By that time your soul was
already tossed down here. *flips to what she thought would be the last
slide* *frowns* Who put my baby picture in here?
Tierra: *tries not
to laugh*
Decree: Grrr, forget
this. *pushes the projector out of the way and the lights come back on*
Now come on, we have to go back to Queen Shell and pick some things up
for you.
Evan: How come I
never got any of that?
Decree: Because
you're the Almighty Key; now hush, mortal.
Devon: Who's Queen
Shell?
Decree: Shut up,
we're going now. Reia, you stay behind and keep an eye on Evan.
Lark: I'll stay
behind too, just in case Lucifer shows up.
Decree: Do what
you want. Now let's go.
(So she, Tierra,
and Mandy travel up to Limbo with Devon in tow.)
LATER...
(They are all standing
with Queen Shell in her throne room.)
Shell: *handing them
things out of a cardboard box* Okay, first and foremost, here's his death
certificate.
Tierra: Sweet.
Devon: *reads it
over and starts to sob* My precious life!
Shell: This is his
blanket from when he was five...
Angels: Huh?
Shell: Hey, don't
ask me, it's his death wish... Anyway, here are some magazines- *tosses
out issues of Playboy* -and an old donut... Oh yeah, and a magic marker.
That's it.
Angels: *blink blink*
Tierra: You know
what, I'm not gonna ask...
Decree: This
is what we came all the way up here for?! Shouldn't he have satanic documents
and ancient books and stuff?
Shell: ...no.
Decree: Some brother
of the Almighty Key ~_~*
Shell: Well then,
just give me my payment and you can be on your way.
Decree: *hands her
a 5-karat diamond and they head back home*
(So now they're
trudging down a hillside)
Decree: This boy
has to be some use to us...
Tierra: Just because
they're related doesn't mean he's worth anything.
Decree: No, no,
I know there's a way to use him to our benefit...
Mandy: Why don't
we just keep him on our side? You know, for fun?
Decree: I think
she may be onto something...
Tierra: I got it!
Decree: Oh great...
Tierra: We can persuade
him to convince the boy to join our side, I mean he'll listen cuz that's
his brother. Hey, if a stripper can do it, it should be cake for us to
get him to play along.
Decree: You know
for once you have a good idea!
Tierra: -_- Once?
Decree: Well all
of your others are just so lame.
Tierra: *holds back
the urge to push her down the mountain*
Devon: I'm doin
who what now?
Decree: We'll explain
later...
BACK IN THE LAIR...
(Devon is seated
with the angels surrounding him)
Decree: Now then...we
need you to do something very important for us... *leans over so he can
get a good look at her cleavage*
Devon: *eyes get
wide*
Tierra: *straddles
his lap* We need you to do a little persuasion...
Lark: *puts her
lips next to his ear and murmurs* We need you to convince your brother
to join our side...
Reia: We need his
supreme power to create our own chain of donut shops...
Decree: *hisses*
That's not it!
Reia: *shrugs*
Mandy: Actually,
we need your brother's power to take over the world...
Decree: And when
we do...
Tierra: You'll be
able to stay with us- *digs her knee into him* -forever.
Devon: *can barely
contain himself* O-okay...
Lark: Good. Try
your best, say what you need to to convince him...you know him better than
we do...
Devon: No problem.
Angels: Good. *leave
promptly*
Devon: Hey, wait!...
*garden snap*
(Kaindell wanders
in with Zallery)
Kaindell: Ooh, another
one?
Zallery: We could
use him in our threesome.
Kaindell: *inspects
him* Yes, he'll do nicely.
Devon: Uh, I don't
think so...but could you tell me where to find Evan?
Zallery: The chained
one... *drool*
Kaindell: *gets
a bit huffy* he's that way. *points down a hallway that leads further into
the cave-like lair*
Devon: Thanks! *zooms
out*
Evan: *moaning*
I'm hungry...
Devon: Hey, bro!
Evan: Please give
me something to eat, I'm suffering.
Devon: *tosses him
a sandwhich* Listen up, we need to have a talk.
Evan: About what?
Devon: About our
afterlife. You know, since I'm stuck down here for the rest of eternity,
I really want you to pledge yourself to this Hell too.
Evan: *gives him
an incredulous look* And if I do...? What's in it for you?
Devon: Absolutely
nothing!
Evan: yeah, and
you were always a great bullshit artist.
Devon: No, I'm being
serious!
Evan: Let's think
about this here for a minute. I can either go back to Heaven where I'm
treated almost as good as God Himself and live happily ever after, or I
can stay here in Hell and be starved, and tortured like a cat with me as
a new toy, while gay and gayer undress me with their eyes. Hm, the answer
seems pretty clear to me.
Devon: You're crazy.
Personally, I'd love to stay down here surrounded by hot chicks
in slutty uniforms.
Evan: I am so convinced
you died in a Hooters...
Devon: Honestly,
I don't see how you could dislike those girls...
Evan: Uh, because
they keep me chained and they taunt me mercilessly?
Devon: You know,
some guys would pay for that.
Evan: And you're
one of them! Look, my answer is no, I refuse to stay down here. I may have
screwed up my mortal life, but I'm not gonna do the same for the rest of
my time.
Devon: *frown* Fine
then. You'll be sorry, just wait, I'll keep you with me somehow... *he
goes back into the main common room*
Decree: So what
happened?
Devon: He said no.
Decree: *angry huff*
That doesn't do us much good! Ugh, try harder!
Devon: Hey, it's
not my fault he hates you! Geez, maybe if you were nicer to him he'd be
willing to help you! I mean Jesus-
Angels: *horrified
gasps!*
Mandy: my ears are
burning!
Tierra: *cringing*
It hurts, it hurts!!!
Reia: I'm melting!
I'm melting!
Lark: Sweet evil!...I
need Lucifer! *runs off*
Decree: *glares
daggers...literally*
Devon: ack! *barely
dodges them*
Decree: I'll make
you sorry you ever crossed us! Reia, get me my spell book!
Reia: ...I can't...
Decree: *sweatdrops*
Why not?
Reia: Er...um...
*pulls out her list of excuses* A flock of wild geese stole it?
Decree: -_- Try
again.
Reia: Um, Elvis
borrowed it?
Decree: No, I have
Elvis doing an endless performance.
Reia: Er, it got
up and walked away!
Decree: ...okay,
I'll believe that. But you owe me big for letting it happen!
Reia: *sigh* *conjurs
up a huge pot of lipgloss*
Decree: ^_^ That'll
do! *puts some on* Yum, strawberry!
Tierra: Can we get
back to the issue at hand please??
Decree: Oh yeah...
*to Devon* You better try your damn hardest to convince him! I mean it!
*huge ball of magma forms in her hand*
Devon: *sweatdrops*
10-4... *gulp*
(So over the next
few days, Devon stops at nothing to try and get his point across. And,
in return, the angels heed his advice and treat Evan much better.)
*We first see Evan biting into a large juicy burger; but he pulls a piece of paper out that says "C'mon, join Hell's party!", and when he looks up, he sees Devon standing there wearing a party hat and holding noisemakers. Needless to say, Evan crumples up the paper and throws it at him*
*Devon tries again by following Evan on his morning jog, and he runs past him holding a big sign that says "Pledge Allegiance to Hell and get a free pair of handcuffs when you join!". Unfortunately, he isn't looking where he's going and runs straight into a tree >.<*
*We now see Evan
relaxing in a bubble bath*
Devon: *coming up
from the bubbles* You can enjoy this and more every day if you sign up
now with Satan's little angels!
Evan: Ack! Get outta
my bathtub, freak! *pushes him out*
Devon: *slithers
away*
Evan: *leans back*
Zallery: *comes
up through the bubbles*
Evan: *blink blink*
*looks sincerely disturbed, so he grabs a towel and runs out*
*And because sky
writing doesn't work- (the pilot had a difficult time spelling out the
message; instead of writing "Join us, leave your soul to flower" he wrote
"I hate my ex-wife, it's her fault I have to spend my afterlife as Kurt
Cobain's escort"... *shrug*)- Devon tries one last thing...*
Devon: I am prepared
to crawl over hot coals on my belly just to get my point across!
Angels: *gather
around with popcorn to watch*
Evan: Suit yourself,
I'm not gonna change my mind.
Devon: Just wait!
*flops down onto the coals* OUCH! HOT!
Decree: *to Lark*
You know, after being in Hell for all this time, you'd think he'd be used
to it...
Devon: *swallows
his pain and manages to get across the short stretch. When he does, he
hops up and takes a bow*
Mandy: *zealous
applause*
Reia: *mumbles*
I did better when I was in the circus...
Mandy: You
were in the circus? *goes wide-eyed*
Reia: Oh yes, many
years back... *fabricates an elaborate story*
Devon: So whadda
ya say?
Evan: *sigh* It
really means that much to you?
Devon: *frantic
nodding*
Evan: *defeated
sigh* Then I guess I have no choice but to join.
Devon: I knew the
hot coals would do it ^_^
Decree: Wonderful!
Excellent! You won't regret this!
Devon: So where's
my prize?
Evan: Ugh, I knew
there was something in it for you!
Decree: *to Devon*
Well unfortunately for you, mortal, you're of no use to us anymore, so
I'll just dispose of you now...
Devon: Huh?! No!
Decree: *snaps her
fingers and he's deported to Tony's Slam Dance Hut, where he's forced to
spend forever slam dancing the night away in a pink polyester leisure suit*
*laughs to herself* Now then, as for you... we must start your training
right away.
Tierra: Hold it.
Decree: What?
Tierra: Isn't there
something he's supposed to say first? You know, to seal the deal?
Decree: Oh yeah...what
was it?
Tierra: *shrugs*
Damned if I remember.
Decree: This is
not good.
Evan: Hooray, I'm
free!
Decree: Oh no you're
not! Er, um, ugh, let's see...
Evan: *sad sigh*
Decree: Uh...try
"Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo".
Evan: *looks a bit
confused* "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo"...
*nothing happens*
Tierra: *laughing
her ass off* I don't think that worked, Cinderella.
Decree: *grrrr*
Mandy: Try "We've
just figured out Blue's Clues" ^_^
Evan: Er...
Decree: This is
hopeless. We've got to go to Queen Shell!
AND SO THEY DO...
(They manage to
make it to Shell's throne room, but something is awry.)
Shell: I want my
payment upfront before I tell you the words.
Decree: What? Why?
Shell: Because these
are desperate times and I don't trust you. Now gimmie!
Decree: No way!
Shell: I haaaaaaaaaate
you.
Decree: We don't
have anything right now, Shell. Please, we'll pay you back!
Shell: No can do,
it's my way or the celestial highway.
Decree: Um... *conjurs
up that giant pot of lipgloss*
Shell: Ew! No way,
it's used! And it's not even retail!
Decree: *sigh* Come
on, everyone, we have some plans to take care of...